Anya-- [ is the only thing he can get out. Whatever else the reason tied into that, whatever his own thoughts on dying and essentially throwing the what-if of his life away, the sight of Yulia asking a then still-dead Liana Panilio-Frostholm to give her sister back had been enough for him to latch onto.
He hadn't been able to do anything about Marcel, had not stepped up at the time to help, and he couldn't -- selfishly, fine -- contemplate the idea of a Yulia without her sister, or the thought that going up against a former member of the Searing Wind with nothing more than what they had at their disposal, the Brands included, might mean.
It was dumb, he knows. He shouldn't have taken it all on himself. No man could and he was an arrogant little piece of shit to think that his call could have turned out anything outside of anything else.
You do this for yourself, his shadow had told him. He's still working out how that makes him feel because the darkest parts of a person are still parts of themselves, denying it won't make fuck-all of a difference.
He pushes back a little, feeling enough like crap. But the push is weak, and his fingers curl around the lapels of Jessie's suit in more of a bid to hold on than anything else. ]
I couldn't have it happen on my watch, Jessie. It was the only thing-- [ No. No, it wasn't and he's already shaking his head, to shake off the words because the truth of it is, it hadn't been the only way, but he hadn't been ready to risk anyone else, so he'd made that snap-judgement call ] --I know it was a shit decision.
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He hadn't been able to do anything about Marcel, had not stepped up at the time to help, and he couldn't -- selfishly, fine -- contemplate the idea of a Yulia without her sister, or the thought that going up against a former member of the Searing Wind with nothing more than what they had at their disposal, the Brands included, might mean.
It was dumb, he knows. He shouldn't have taken it all on himself. No man could and he was an arrogant little piece of shit to think that his call could have turned out anything outside of anything else.
You do this for yourself, his shadow had told him. He's still working out how that makes him feel because the darkest parts of a person are still parts of themselves, denying it won't make fuck-all of a difference.
He pushes back a little, feeling enough like crap. But the push is weak, and his fingers curl around the lapels of Jessie's suit in more of a bid to hold on than anything else. ]
I couldn't have it happen on my watch, Jessie. It was the only thing-- [ No. No, it wasn't and he's already shaking his head, to shake off the words because the truth of it is, it hadn't been the only way, but he hadn't been ready to risk anyone else, so he'd made that snap-judgement call ] --I know it was a shit decision.